Family First

Tonight I made the decision to resign from a volunteer position that I have loved in the past. I volunteer to help organize part of an annual event in October of each year for a non-profit organization, and no matter how I do it, there is a lot of stress involved. It is probably just my worrying ability - worrying if everything will be done right, and then when I'm busy, worrying because I'm not able to respond as quickly as I want to.

I had hoped I'd make it through this event, but have found that I simply do not have the time/energy to keep it to the high standards that I hold myself to. My family is my first priority, and lately I have found that I don't have time for other priorities. I have devoted myself to my son's education - homeschooling - and that is the way it should be. My volunteer duties were put on the back burner, which stressed me out in its own way.

Our current schedule has been:
6:30 am wake
8 - DD6 to school
8:30 feed animals, chores
9 am - 12 homeschool / activity
12 lunch
12:30 - 3 "fun" activities / play
3 - DD6 from school
3:30 DD6 homework
4:30 feed kiddos
5 - leave for soccer practice
7-7:30 return home
7:30 dinner for adults
8:00 evening chores
8:30 bedtime for kiddos
9:30 Mama Bear passes out! :)

So, that leaves me little time to work on volunteer activities, which stresses me out because I'm not getting them done. I did explain to the organization in advance that I was concerned about my availability this year due to homeschooling, and I have been honest with them about my lack of time. I have already accomplished a lot - in fact, pretty much all of the hard stuff is done.

However, this week I noticed my son feeling more stressed as well as getting frustrated with me/himself a little more easily. Upon self reflection, I can see that I have been becoming more stressed, and it affects my demeanor. I'm not quite as happy-go-lucky as I usually am and am often find myself preoccupied with what needs to be done. (Did somebody say laundry?) :) At soccer practice on Thurs, I pulled out my phone to respond to some emails that needed tending to, instead of kicking the ball with DD6 while we were waiting for DS8, I sat there with my thumbs typing wildly trying to get caught up with volunteer things. But my DD6 needs me, too, and I know it affects her as well.

I am my son's greatest reflection of himself right now, and if I'm not cheerful, he is going to feel that more than usual since we're almost always together. He is working so hard to please me right now, and I have watched him reach his "frustration point" a little more frequently/easily this week. I am sure it is because I have found myself with less patience due to the stress, and seeing him feel more stressed finally makes this decision really easy.

I have struggled with this decision for over a month now, but I know for certain it is the right decision for my family. I already feel more peace in my heart knowing I will be able to be my normal, cheerful, self. And now I will not just be giving him my time during the day, but also I am freeing my mind to be able to focus 100% on him. Writing that, I realize I need to find a little time in there for me, too, which I will. I already do to some extent - we take breaks, I read, etc. But now I won't have to be distracted about this particular non-family thing that causes me stress - and the stress levels would only increase from this point forward for the next month+. I have enjoyed the responsibility in the past and seeing an amazing event come together for a great cause, but now my life is changing. I'm homeschooling my son - and my family always comes first. This is for you, kid.